There once was a girl who knew a bunch of people. She dressed nicely, smiled a lot, and had 678 people in her contacts. Her social media friends and followers were many. She doesn’t need friends, right? She has plenty.
If she struggled, she posted it on Facebook and lavished in the fifteen comments that said, “Sorry!” or “Praying!” with an added sad face emoticon.
But, no one picked up the phone and said, “Hey what’s going on.” No one pulled her aside at church and said, “Hey, how are you feeling about that now? How’s that going?”
They followed her status updates but not her heart.
This now describes the average American woman. We don’t have friends anymore but we have “friends.” Why?
I believe it’s because we were socialized.
Yes, I said it: socialized. Socialization works. Just not in a way that’s healthy for anyone, because guess what? We need friends.
I understand, it’s a weird word. You’ve probably only heard it in the context of an anti-homeschooling argument. (Matt Walsh has his own rant against it here.)
But, I wonder if we’ve all been socialized right out of understanding what true friendship is all about.
According to Webster’s, socialization is: a continuing process whereby an individual acquires a personal identity and learns the norms, values, behavior, and social skills appropriate to his or her social position.
If we follow Jesus, our personal identity comes from Him and God’s word. Not, from our peer group.
Though, I’d never argue that homeschooling is the only education choice for a Christian (I say, follow your own convictions as settings, schools and children vary!). I do believe that the parent who chooses another method actually has a much more difficult road ahead of them in terms of un-teaching all that socialization that happened during the forty hours per week their child was out of their care and learning the “norms, values, behavior, and social skills appropriate.”
I homeschool, in part, because I’d rather decide what norms, values, and behaviors my children learn.
What most people mean when they throw out the word socialization is: they are afraid their children won’t have friends. That’s a valid concern — we all need friends. But, aren’t there a lot of very lonely children at school, too?
Assuming that a public institution is the only place where a child can connect with peers is silly. Most homeschoolers I know are involved in a host of activities and co-ops and find the appropriate amount of opportunities to allow their children to make friends.
At traditional school my son had several kids he’d call his friends. They had the opportunity to talk on the playground for about 30 minutes a day. A few other spare minutes of connection could be stolen during lunch period or while in line. But, that’s all.
He returned home from school at 3pm too tired to entertain the idea of spending more time with schoolmates. Weekends were a busy time for catching up, on both rest and chores. School always loomed on the horizon. (Monday was coming.)
Now, my son is free to engage in much deeper friendships. And, I see the benefits; how it’s shaping his character. He’s confident in these relationships because he has time to cultivate them.
He is free all afternoon with friends. They scheme plans to build amazing Lego creations and search the woods for white panthers (as far as I know there are no white panthers around but I’m not breaking that news to them).
It helps tremendously that the boys he’s become best chums with attend our church and are being taught the same values we hold dear.
I want him to build his identity in Jesus Christ while being firmly planted in a group of boys on the same path. He needs to learn how to have brothers in Christ. He needs to start a habit in his life, early, of being connected to people in a deep way. Not shallow.
That takes me back to why we need friends. With the aid of social media, I’m worried we are somehow leading our children (by example) further and further away from an understanding of the tremendous value of deeper relationships.
Just as our culture glorifies the single person’s one-night stands over the committed-to-one monogamous relationship, we fool ourselves into thinking our children will be better off if they can be exposed to a lot of people. Somehow, we assume that all of that experience with other, different people will make them stronger…better able to face the world.
I’m afraid that all of this socialization prepares them well for cocktail parties, but not for real life.
Have we been programmed to place value in the quantity of our relationships instead of the quality? Would we rather have everyone know our name than a few know our hearts? We don’t just need friends, but we need deep relationships.
Life is hard. Doing it alone is harder. Jesus didn’t recommend it, I don’t either.
Freedom from my body image struggles has only come as I’ve been able to open my heart to others and connect with them in a deep and meaningful way. My walls were high. I was afraid of getting too close and letting others see all that was wrong with me. But, those fears were just a distraction. Now I know — I need friends, true friends. We all do.
Want success? Freedom? Help in handling the pain of this world? My best recommendation: invest in solid friendships.
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Thank you for this! I am that woman… I have over 650 “friends” on FB. I have ppl who want to see us (my child & family) but not in reality, just virtually I live about an hour from all family and friends now. I have logged into FB about 3x in the last year. I am sahm to a beautiful boy with autism and I have spent my time focused on my child, his needs, and our home and family life. After several failed attempts of IEP and special needs preschool (via public school) we have decided to homeschool the little man. I have become very unsocial (former social butterfly) in becoming his mom, but I LOVE my work at home with him. My heart is more full than my old self could’ve ever imagined it would be; more full than any 173 likes or 92 comments from my “friends” on my latest post or selfie! His smiles, focused interaction and developmental progress are way more satisfying for me than sharing it and stopping what I am doing with him 47x to read/check those validations (notifications) from my “friends”. I’m often asked to get online and share our days and at times I feel guilty for not doing so but I am coming to the realization that I’m doing exactly what I need to do in this moment and it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks about it! God gave me this child and trusted me with him and his needs. It is definitely not easy but it is absolutely my honor to be his mom! I am amazed that God has the faith in me to be his mom; that He has instilled the confidence in me to make these decisions and run with them… No approval needed!!! People don’t understand my choices or absence on social media and that’s just fine; it isn’t their job to do so! However, it is totally my job to mother my son and if it takes me avoiding social media to stay focused on my family and home life for a few years, I believe that God knows my heart and all is well with He and I! And all I can do is pray that others who truly know me, know my heart as well. I truly feel the Lord forgives me for every FB prayer chain that I haven’t read and fwd to 10 people within 15min. My phone number is the same and visible to my friends list but I am fine being out of touch for a bit… I’m just working to prepare a special, once in a lifetime type of harvest. I talk to 2 friends pretty regularly, my parents almost daily and about 3-4 friends and my extended family every 3-6mo. And of course, my husband multiple times daily! We will socialize again one day, but for now we are building strong foundations.
Lindsey -sounds like the Lord is directing your steps and you are reaping the rewards of your investment! Thank you so much for sharing! Hugs for you and that little boy!!
AMEN Sister! Couldn’t agree more. This is true for me and my son as we journey through homeschool. Building relationships made it on my 2017 Goals!
This is a beautiful post. And so true! When I went to school I was often lonely among the sea of my peers. I was blessed to have a few close friends who knew my heart, but our adventures always took place outside of school. I have taught my kids how to be a true friend and in their experiences, school did not give them enough time for much interaction with their peers. In fact, in elementary school, they had to eat lunch at their desks in silence. Homeschooling has blessed us in so many ways. It was a relief for my daughters to get away from the socialization of public school, especially as one was bullied and saw a lot of things she wished she hadn’t.
Thanks so much for that, Camie. Yes, the argument that kids need school for socialization just isn’t reality in most public school settings! Thanks for chiming in! 🙂
Thank you! I have just found your website this week and am enjoying reading your honest posts about homeschooling. Today was my kids’ last day at their school. It is an AMAZING school and I often think I must be crazy (along with many of my family members). I quit my public school teaching job and we will begin our journey…tomorrow. 🙂
This post is so reassuring. Thank you again.
Monica-Thanks so much for sharing that! I know that feeling…that “Wait, is this crazy??” Self-doubt kinda feeling! I will say it took us a while to “detox” from public school. My children needed a few months off to re-orient to home and what it would be like to do school at home, but once we got in the groove, I saw how much better it would be. It’s been 3 years now. Some days are super tough. But, I wouldn’t trade our new life and freedom for anything! Best to you as you start your new adventure!